It is finally holidays...after the tiring and nerve-breaking papers I have to take for the different modules, not to the mention the difficulty I faced trying to revise each module. Thank God that the papers wasn't really that tough. Even so, I guess I am prepared to see my GPA drop, nonetheless. Because my daily grade de-proved.
Alright! Since it is holiday, might as well make the time more fruitful instead of thinking of my results?! My current life now is still somewhat the same, or maybe not? I am still working, still going back to school for guitar practice and finally, serving God in church.
In terms of work, one of my manager is finally going back to his hometown. Honestly speaking, I do not really know him well. Sometimes, he is good to me, sometimes, he is just plain nasty. That is my manager for you. I think a lot of people in my outlet is happy that he is finally leaving, since he is well-known for slacking. Either way, still I have to thank him for 'taking care' of me all this while. All the best to him! Other than that, it would be Reiko's birthday! I don't really know what she is planning- one moment chalet, the other moment supper. But what really gives my headache is her present! Come to think of it, how old is she?! Hmmm...Ohhh, something just cropped out of my mind, it is one of my colleague, TianWen. He suddenly has got this 360 degrees change in attitude towards me! I always believe there is a reason for every change- but this? I seriously have no idea what happen. I asked Irene, but she say he is always good to me. Well, maybe he changed his perception towards me? I don't know either.
In terms of GEnRe? Well, I am practicing but I guess not hard enough. I am still weak in side-reading those really high, if not really low notes! How annoying! The isn't much progress for RiverFlowsInYou; but I really hope to be able to play in a small group this time round. I feel so sad that CanonInD was rejected by Alex; because I really practice really really hard, and yet, he says it lacks emotions.Sigh. Try harder next time, Edward! I feel lousy too because I couldn't get the poster done and I forget to do Synopsis! Oh well...
Finally, in terms of church, a lot have changed. I am now a cell group leader; Marcus now is a worship leader? Uncle Randy have moved on; so did Jolene. Come to think of it, I used to have the thought of changing church too- I quarreled with so many people. Anyways, back to the topic on cell-group leader, I didn't really give a answer to Pastor, but unknowingly, I got myself involved with being in the leadership. Am I happy, am I sad? I really don't know- so what's holding me back from not wanting to be a leader?
Well, I thought about it and realized that I am not confident. With regards to this, I have been thinking quite some time, and there is a lump of different reasons. Among the cell group leaders, I am odd-one out? Hey, I am a community kid, ya? And looking at how independent I am, I may rot anytime- all I need is some bad company and that's it! BOOM. Bottom-line is, I cannot even take care of myself, let alone taking care of others. Also, partly, it is my family- I am worried and scared for XYZ reasons. And this XYZ reasons, is enough to drain me physically, emotionally and mentally- however strong I am, it is only a matter of time I snap. All those uncertainties is holding me back. 'As a event manager, you must always think of the worst case scenario. What that is bad will happen!' says Mr Haris. Guess, I am putting it into practice huh? On top of that, what about myself? Am I healthy enough to lead people in the likeliness of God? Without trying, I already know the answer, which is no.
Reflecting on my pass few months, I realized how truly tired I am, even though I gave my self tonnes of silly excuses. Now, with holding a leadership position in church, I am responsible for each individual. I am no super-man ya? I am always taking care of people around me, so who take care of me? Biblically correct answer: God. Sometimes, I hate biblically correct answers, not that I have no faith in it, but my flesh is too weak to handle it. I need time to sort things out. Well, on the positive note, I have picked-up on my bible-reading; quiet-time and prayer. Oh well, thank God for His grace and mercy.
God, I need answers from You, not man.
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