IT'S NOT WORKING...

Have you ever tried putting in extra effort so that someone else's life will be slightly eased, happier or even change the situation positively? For me, I have been there, done that. But sadly speaking, the situation for didn't seems to be getting any better. Despite me trying so hard to mend the situation, it just seems as though I didn't put in any effort at all. Even after being so independent (hoping that I will not be a burden), nothing changed. So right now, what's the point of my putting in effort? Since there is no difference.

Someone told me that I am responsible for myself, not others. But the fact is, I also have to be responsible for my siblings too, no? I don't want them to go through the full extend of what I have gone through and I really hope they will also not worry about simple things which they shouldn't be worrying about. But sadly speaking, I think I have failed to achieve this mission. Sigh, I have so many things on my mind right now. Its really sucks when there is only so much I can do. And sometimes, it will left me in deep thoughts and mixed feelings. Honestly, I hate to feel upset because it takes awhile for me to be happy again.

If only my father had the same trend of thoughts as me. Like this, I don't have to worry for him. I honestly thinks he should stop keeping things from me. Because the more truth I uncover myself, the more disappointed I get with him and my mother. Honestly hate the "this is for your own good" kind of sentence. Bull shitting is the new trend huh?

And sadly speaking, I am losing my faith, little by little, day by day. It's so hard to think positive sometimes- all the "God's plan is to prosper you" verse in the Bible just seems quite unbelievable sometimes. Out of all the common test, exams and UTs that I have taken- I have never give up before. But for this test of faith, I think I am going to get a "F" grade soon. Only a matter of time, I guess.

Of all the things that could have happen, I happen to feel sad during my exam period. Good thing tomorrow's UT is in the afternoon. Hopefully, I will feel better by then and be in the mood...

SO WHAT IF I CANNOT GIVE UP?