Give me a break.

I am feeling really down lately. As much as I try, however much effort I put in, I still end up changing nothing. It is just like Hydrogen (H2O), no matter what state it is in, be it ice, steam or water, it is still H2O! And what can do? It is not like I didn't do anything to solve it, right?

The current me, is studying and working part time; and I am really tired, not to even mention going for IG together with all the expectations, demands, exams and my grades. I don't even have time for myself; let alone solving all these problems.

Physically, I am already struggling. What about spiritually? Pastor have been sending me SMS everyday single day without fail to remind me to read the bible; I really appreciate the effort. But at the same time, it makes me reflect on the problems again. Is it my relationship with God? Is it my relationship my family members? Or is it just me thinking too much? Sad to say, I think it is all of the above mentioned.

Come to think of it, it is not all this problems that is making me sad. It is the fact that I have no one to share this problems to that made me sad; having to shoulder it myself. Having said this, I will think back to the time when my mother left, as much as I hate it, I have to accept it. If only she was still with me; rather than the already-foreign SMS she sends...Even so, if someone asked me to share my problems, will I do it? That, itself, is another problem. Guessed I am upset with myself, the world and everything; hence it is hard to explain how I truly feel?

Oh well, some annoying people will just tell me: 'Oh, this is part of growing up..' and all the logically correct answer that should be said. Not that they shouldn't say that, but bottom-line is whether if they are just asking because they want to know or whether they want to help me face my problems together.

Guess all I want is still that someone, who understand what I truly feel and is willing to stand by me when I need it?

The thing about 17.

I am officially 17!

You know, I reflected on lots of things; things I have gain, things I have loss, things I want to achieve and it is just a never ending list..Well I thought I would it alone..but I really appreciate W24H and GenRe for the cakes and presents and cards. Although this is not the best birthday, but I really do feel the effort..THANKIES!!

I also received a SMS from Mum..emotional me teared instantly. What to do? I am a human who needs love too..haha? I hope she is doing fine too..I hope I will be able to see her again soon..I hope..

HAHA, moving on to what I intended for this post....

I don't think it is just a game.

Everyday, we are earning something, be it knowingly or unknowingly and surprisingly, I guess I don't really understand the meaning of love? To be honest, I want to have someone I can share my joy and sadness..I have learn to cherish someone; but I also wished to be cherished by someone too..you know it sucks to see couples together so loving. That feeling is just weird..I guess it is envy?

Hmmm...I actually thought...what is holding me back from loving? Haha, a bit lame but I think I have no courage, I scare I 'kill' her..basically things that are bad. My prior experience of love is already bad to being with...guess this is also a disadvantage? Or maybe it is just not my time yet?

Everything that is done, is done. I cannot revert back time and time cannot wait for me. I will wait. You know, girls keep complaining about guys being this and that, but at the same time, I think girls are guilty of it too. HAHA, till then, I will be good to all the girls! :) Gentleman94 have turned 17 (LVL up).

Once upon a time..

Everyone has their own 'once upon a time'. As for me I also have it too...

Some of my once upon a time...

1. Girlfriend
2. Secondary School Best friends
3. Clique

Well for me, although I have many once upon a time, I don't seems to have a happy ever after. Talk about my girlfriend? I guess she would probably think that I am a jerk. Talk about my best friends, I think I have stop talking to them for too long..Now how about my clique? I think they have forgotten me?

Yes, I do agree that not everything needs happy ending but guess what? Since you all have move on, I will also move on. I should really start things afresh. To be honest, I always thought I could mend things back to once upon a time, but the more I try,the harder it gets. Either way, it all might just be one sided; besides which kind of relationship last? A relationship build on trust, love and friendship. If I have once upon a time got them, I will achieve them again. 

Ironic.

My birthday is coming. Ironically, the least I want to hear is from my mother. 

I have been struggling with this issue. Do I really hate my mother for leaving? I don't know. I actually asked myself one thing...if she ever comes back, how am I going to face her? She is now like a stranger; sending me SMS now and then saying she misses us. This is when actions speak louder than words, no? Every time she calls me, when I pick up, just listening to her talking, I can tear already. I hate her, but I know somewhere in me; still wants her back as mother. It has really been a tough journey for me..not being able to share my feelings with anyone but only to bottle it up. Guess I could some love? Maybe not...in the end, I might get hurt again. Come to think of it, I will never be who I am if not for the sequence of events.

My life hasn't been good. It's school, work and preparing for concert. I am really tired. Not just physically but emotionally and mentally. Problems just keeps coming and I find that I have no one to rely on but myself. And I don't wish people to judge me and say that I am going to church because they can help me. What you want me to do? I don't want to look pitiful but at the same time I don't want to avoid the problem. Ironic huh? I took 2 steps backwards and never advanced...how do you think I feel? Maybe I don't have the rights to feel, I guess? I really do mind a lot to walk the path of solitude. I want people to depend on me and I to depend on people. Do you know how it feels like to have things to be forced upon you and yet you have to comply to it?

One of my friend asked me if I do feel envious about other families. I answer 'Yes...' I don't want to deny that because I really do envy those family that can spent quality time together...of course not only that...I want to be a normal boy who can enjoy life as a teenager normally; worrying for the correct things. But I don't have the luxury to.

Anyways, I have returned to school. I must work hard to get the schlor-ship. Competition is tough eh?

Other then that, my focus would still be on earning more money so that I don't have to depend on my Dad.

I would really want to say sorry...but I don't know how.

I have been praying...but day after day, my faith is getting weaker...it's just a matter of time when I stop. Pastor have been texting me..I did read the Bible..but somehow, I felt nothing. Looks like I have disconnected?

Edward wants to be positive but nothing positive have happened yet...