Ironic.

My birthday is coming. Ironically, the least I want to hear is from my mother. 

I have been struggling with this issue. Do I really hate my mother for leaving? I don't know. I actually asked myself one thing...if she ever comes back, how am I going to face her? She is now like a stranger; sending me SMS now and then saying she misses us. This is when actions speak louder than words, no? Every time she calls me, when I pick up, just listening to her talking, I can tear already. I hate her, but I know somewhere in me; still wants her back as mother. It has really been a tough journey for me..not being able to share my feelings with anyone but only to bottle it up. Guess I could some love? Maybe not...in the end, I might get hurt again. Come to think of it, I will never be who I am if not for the sequence of events.

My life hasn't been good. It's school, work and preparing for concert. I am really tired. Not just physically but emotionally and mentally. Problems just keeps coming and I find that I have no one to rely on but myself. And I don't wish people to judge me and say that I am going to church because they can help me. What you want me to do? I don't want to look pitiful but at the same time I don't want to avoid the problem. Ironic huh? I took 2 steps backwards and never advanced...how do you think I feel? Maybe I don't have the rights to feel, I guess? I really do mind a lot to walk the path of solitude. I want people to depend on me and I to depend on people. Do you know how it feels like to have things to be forced upon you and yet you have to comply to it?

One of my friend asked me if I do feel envious about other families. I answer 'Yes...' I don't want to deny that because I really do envy those family that can spent quality time together...of course not only that...I want to be a normal boy who can enjoy life as a teenager normally; worrying for the correct things. But I don't have the luxury to.

Anyways, I have returned to school. I must work hard to get the schlor-ship. Competition is tough eh?

Other then that, my focus would still be on earning more money so that I don't have to depend on my Dad.

I would really want to say sorry...but I don't know how.

I have been praying...but day after day, my faith is getting weaker...it's just a matter of time when I stop. Pastor have been texting me..I did read the Bible..but somehow, I felt nothing. Looks like I have disconnected?

Edward wants to be positive but nothing positive have happened yet...