Give me a break.

I am feeling really down lately. As much as I try, however much effort I put in, I still end up changing nothing. It is just like Hydrogen (H2O), no matter what state it is in, be it ice, steam or water, it is still H2O! And what can do? It is not like I didn't do anything to solve it, right?

The current me, is studying and working part time; and I am really tired, not to even mention going for IG together with all the expectations, demands, exams and my grades. I don't even have time for myself; let alone solving all these problems.

Physically, I am already struggling. What about spiritually? Pastor have been sending me SMS everyday single day without fail to remind me to read the bible; I really appreciate the effort. But at the same time, it makes me reflect on the problems again. Is it my relationship with God? Is it my relationship my family members? Or is it just me thinking too much? Sad to say, I think it is all of the above mentioned.

Come to think of it, it is not all this problems that is making me sad. It is the fact that I have no one to share this problems to that made me sad; having to shoulder it myself. Having said this, I will think back to the time when my mother left, as much as I hate it, I have to accept it. If only she was still with me; rather than the already-foreign SMS she sends...Even so, if someone asked me to share my problems, will I do it? That, itself, is another problem. Guessed I am upset with myself, the world and everything; hence it is hard to explain how I truly feel?

Oh well, some annoying people will just tell me: 'Oh, this is part of growing up..' and all the logically correct answer that should be said. Not that they shouldn't say that, but bottom-line is whether if they are just asking because they want to know or whether they want to help me face my problems together.

Guess all I want is still that someone, who understand what I truly feel and is willing to stand by me when I need it?

The thing about 17.

I am officially 17!

You know, I reflected on lots of things; things I have gain, things I have loss, things I want to achieve and it is just a never ending list..Well I thought I would it alone..but I really appreciate W24H and GenRe for the cakes and presents and cards. Although this is not the best birthday, but I really do feel the effort..THANKIES!!

I also received a SMS from Mum..emotional me teared instantly. What to do? I am a human who needs love too..haha? I hope she is doing fine too..I hope I will be able to see her again soon..I hope..

HAHA, moving on to what I intended for this post....

I don't think it is just a game.

Everyday, we are earning something, be it knowingly or unknowingly and surprisingly, I guess I don't really understand the meaning of love? To be honest, I want to have someone I can share my joy and sadness..I have learn to cherish someone; but I also wished to be cherished by someone too..you know it sucks to see couples together so loving. That feeling is just weird..I guess it is envy?

Hmmm...I actually thought...what is holding me back from loving? Haha, a bit lame but I think I have no courage, I scare I 'kill' her..basically things that are bad. My prior experience of love is already bad to being with...guess this is also a disadvantage? Or maybe it is just not my time yet?

Everything that is done, is done. I cannot revert back time and time cannot wait for me. I will wait. You know, girls keep complaining about guys being this and that, but at the same time, I think girls are guilty of it too. HAHA, till then, I will be good to all the girls! :) Gentleman94 have turned 17 (LVL up).

Once upon a time..

Everyone has their own 'once upon a time'. As for me I also have it too...

Some of my once upon a time...

1. Girlfriend
2. Secondary School Best friends
3. Clique

Well for me, although I have many once upon a time, I don't seems to have a happy ever after. Talk about my girlfriend? I guess she would probably think that I am a jerk. Talk about my best friends, I think I have stop talking to them for too long..Now how about my clique? I think they have forgotten me?

Yes, I do agree that not everything needs happy ending but guess what? Since you all have move on, I will also move on. I should really start things afresh. To be honest, I always thought I could mend things back to once upon a time, but the more I try,the harder it gets. Either way, it all might just be one sided; besides which kind of relationship last? A relationship build on trust, love and friendship. If I have once upon a time got them, I will achieve them again. 

Ironic.

My birthday is coming. Ironically, the least I want to hear is from my mother. 

I have been struggling with this issue. Do I really hate my mother for leaving? I don't know. I actually asked myself one thing...if she ever comes back, how am I going to face her? She is now like a stranger; sending me SMS now and then saying she misses us. This is when actions speak louder than words, no? Every time she calls me, when I pick up, just listening to her talking, I can tear already. I hate her, but I know somewhere in me; still wants her back as mother. It has really been a tough journey for me..not being able to share my feelings with anyone but only to bottle it up. Guess I could some love? Maybe not...in the end, I might get hurt again. Come to think of it, I will never be who I am if not for the sequence of events.

My life hasn't been good. It's school, work and preparing for concert. I am really tired. Not just physically but emotionally and mentally. Problems just keeps coming and I find that I have no one to rely on but myself. And I don't wish people to judge me and say that I am going to church because they can help me. What you want me to do? I don't want to look pitiful but at the same time I don't want to avoid the problem. Ironic huh? I took 2 steps backwards and never advanced...how do you think I feel? Maybe I don't have the rights to feel, I guess? I really do mind a lot to walk the path of solitude. I want people to depend on me and I to depend on people. Do you know how it feels like to have things to be forced upon you and yet you have to comply to it?

One of my friend asked me if I do feel envious about other families. I answer 'Yes...' I don't want to deny that because I really do envy those family that can spent quality time together...of course not only that...I want to be a normal boy who can enjoy life as a teenager normally; worrying for the correct things. But I don't have the luxury to.

Anyways, I have returned to school. I must work hard to get the schlor-ship. Competition is tough eh?

Other then that, my focus would still be on earning more money so that I don't have to depend on my Dad.

I would really want to say sorry...but I don't know how.

I have been praying...but day after day, my faith is getting weaker...it's just a matter of time when I stop. Pastor have been texting me..I did read the Bible..but somehow, I felt nothing. Looks like I have disconnected?

Edward wants to be positive but nothing positive have happened yet...

THE PATH I TOOK.

It has been ages since I blogged.

Well, it is still holidays for me and I am working and practicing guitar like mad. Guess what? I am playing for the coming performance! Although it is not our own GEnRe concert but I am still looking forward to it. Since it is my first ever performance! Guess what? I was only suppose to play one song; La Cumparsita...but because I don't want to stone there like a NOOB, I decided to play Ai-Wa and Let It Be. Hope I dont screw up yeah?

Anyways, I also formed a small group with Irene, Kai Ling, Erick, Benedict, Ashly, Joy and Xin Ming! :) We will be practicing River Flows In You. Hope can play during reflections.

Haha, I also recently had a chalet with my SEM1 class; W24H! It was a fun and nothing else but fun chalet!

Joo Hwee and I.

Jereen! :))

LOL, CHAMPION NUGGETS! 

Eclair?

W24H GROUP PHOTOS!

BBQ PARTNER!

MELISSA!

MUZZY :)

JINJIN!

TAMMY!

JEREEN AGAIN?

MEDELINE (DA-JIE!)

5P CLIQUE!

HMM, I wonder who was drunk...

We leave our memories in our hearts; as one....

 Anyways, I am sure we all cherished the time we had together. It was as though we were friends for very long! Well, this feeling will stay for as long as I live. All the best for all of you! :)))

A meaningful song.

Translation
A city dyed by the sunset sky and your face from the side-
What are you thinking about, what are you looking at, what are you feeling?

For instance, if we cant see our future ahead
Then Ill grip your hand and well run endlessly

Recover your smile and dreams and love and joys
Its not too late even now
Because no one will blame you
For the physical things, that only those are the everything here

The time of dusk hurries by, making my heart forget
Like how I cut up a busy flow and turned it into a photo

You told me that you love this place and red tears fell down your cheeks
I had a feeling that we wouldnt ever be able to meet again

Your tears, lies, sadness, and regrets, everything is a proof of that I was here with you
I vow in my chest
That our parting is the beginning of a memory that only the two of us know
Someday, well meet again

As it is, the whispering voice grows afar
And your shadow is swallowed by the setting sun
Tell me that I didnt spend any time in vain

Recall your smile, dreams, love, and joys
And theyll echo eternally
Because we cant believe
That the physical things, that only those are the everything here

Memories.

It is holidays and I am enjoying it I guess.

I have been working and I am glad that my relationship with my colleagues got better, especially knowing that I am clumsy and all. And honestly, I admire all that is working there. Because it is really tiring! I only worked 3 times a week and...I am like complaining like nobody's listening. But I guess this is good, at least I know how hard is it to earn money.

Well, other than that, I have been watching anime- Flame Haze Shana in particular. I learnt a lot from there. Like what does it mean to love and fight for your love ones. Well watching this show, it reminded me of someone. Have I forget about your existence; or rather would I forget your existence? This someone was there and yet not there. By right this someone is very important to me but by left somehow, I feel that this person can no longer catch up with me because I have not seen this person for way too long. I don't even know if I can face this face when the times comes; guessed I am still just I young boy that do not want to make any mistakes huh? This anime consist of some fighting and romance, it wouldn't hurt to watch, I guess.

Other than that, I thought, maybe it is time for me to think about my future plans. My friends asked me if I am looking for a relationship, somehow I wanted by yet not. Guessed it is another obstacle to work on huh? 

But it wouldn't to have someone to watch over you, does it?

Semester1 is over...?!

My life has been busy lately.

You might be wondering I am just in semester1, year 1 some more, busy with what? Haha, I guess it is just the 'dont wanna lose' attitude? Because my class is really competitive; compared to others, which somehow makes me more competitive. Sounds complicated? It seems so to me too. It is just like during 'O' levels, when you see people around you working so hard, you would also want to work equally hard.

Anyways, some pictures of my formal presentation..with W24H!

Jereen & JinJin

Arthur & Zuhair kissing GuoCong

THE BOY'S NEOPRINT! SO GAY~

DAVE- CUTE VERSION

CLASS FORMAL PHOTO.

Medeline & Myself

THE BOYS OF W24H!

Guo Cong & ME.

Wen Fung & ME

Eugene (TENNIS COACH) & ME.

Widdy & ME.

THE W24H BOYS.

Melissa & ME.

Bianca & ME.

Rihanna & ME.

I guess good times sure pass really fast huh? In an blink of an eye, semester 1 is over! I really would miss this class a lot a lot..although we are not that united but there is this something which makes me look forward to seeing them. Well, formal presentation is no doubt; a hassle. But after everything, I felt that my way of presentation got a little better now. Nah, just a thought. HAHA.

Well, I am looking forward to the chalet with W24H. :)

Hmmm, GEnRe? I am able to play La Cumpasita liao; quite Hppy!..but sometimes I still get quite upset over some things. Well, I am not stereotyping or whatever, but displaying of strong violent emotions is really not me; I would say. Of course, people might disagree and say displaying of emotion is better than bottling it up. Yes I agree on that, but it affects everyone around you when you display such emotions; and the fact everyone was affected the negative way? It just kind of made it worse.

Ohhh well, shall end off by saying something which I thought was meaningful for me.

People say that 'what doesn't kill you make you stronger'. But I would like to differ by saying 'what makes you stronger kills you too'. Why did I say so? Taking your love ones for example, they have made me stronger by always encouraging me when I fell and helps me get back on track. I would then depend on them. So, if they leave? I thought, I am as good as being killed?

Ohh well, many things in life is not what we want. But many things in life, we can choose what I want to.

Shall look forward instead of looking backwards!

Untold feelings...

It's been awhile since I updated...Lots have happened.

My life is really just screwed up...thinking of the past till now, how many things have I lost? Be it those who should be in my life nurturing me or those things that I cherish or even people I love. I have lost many but gain few. What's better? Life is screwing me deeper..All I wished was to be a normal teen that can spent my youth without having to worry about what I shouldn't be facing right now; decisions and many many more. But sadly speaking, dreams normally don't last long, I woke up realising I am not one who have the luxury of many things.

Things get better and better each day. I went for practise for GenRE and I EMO.ed all the way because I couldn't play much. One of the worst remarks was 'Woah...5 bass-ist, but only hear one person playing'. What to do? People like me not so professional as you in music can? Consider myself stupid for even entertaining this remark. But guess what? I am not alone! Becuase the rest of the bass-ist also EMO.ed..

Anyways, I also dont know. I feel happy for other but deep down, I am still sad. Haha, my project ended really nicely and I guessed everyone in class enjoyed the games that were planned. Haiz, this kind of feeling it one of the worst...I believe there is going to be more to come..But...can I overcome it? I don't know.

Anyways, I also don't want others to EMO so I guess, I am all by myself huh? *used to it.

Dave and Jin Jin

Jereen and Medeline

The 5 person clique.

Together we stand united we fall! :))

Wen Fung

Jin Jin

Me :))

Jin Jin #that idiot.

Dave #that fat boy

Guo Cong and Me

Joo Hwee

Jereen

Melissa

Joo Hwee and Me

Me Medeline and Bianca

HAHA~ I won the water bomb.

W24H :))

Thinking of all the negative thoughts, there is still always reasons for me to smile. I will try my best to cherish it because I have lost too much to let let go of more people. Yes, my life may be screwed; but I will unscrew it.  Somehow, after blogging, there is this relieve. I feel better. I love you all W24H. :))

Nice to meet you.

This is a Thailand song; HAHA, I have Thailand blood in me so I don't think it is weird posting? Anyways, I know this song because of AuditionSea~ This song is one of the nicest song I have see; Maybe because it reminds me of this one person? Haha, enjoy!! :)

Encouragements

Encouragements; sometimes are needed.

Wow! It has been so long since I updated…

Hmmm, a lot of things have happened so much so I thought I was going to lose it anytime!! Haha, maybe it’s over exaggerating? Anyways, this week has been a week for mw to reflect who I am; or rather who I should be. To be honest, I am not sure how other people view me. One of my friend viewed me as one who has high ego and ‘quite’ proud..Haha! Am I? I think at times, I am. Aiya…basically, I hope I did portray something different; unique.

Today in church, I sensed something different. It is the joy of worshipping and I really had a fun time flagging and dancing. And I really thank God for his faithfulness in my life, much have happened and guess what? He has sustained me. AMEN!!

School has been really tiring. Very dap power point, 6P (all ‘p’) LOL! Anyways, UT is over! Come to think of it, I would miss W24H a lot! Because we are going to change class soon…I am not sure if it is a good thing or a bad thing; but I guess some things still would not change; the fact that we all would separate one day.

GenRE has been really fun! There is new scores for me to play; and I am in BASS -.- I don’t know how I actually ended there but anyways, I will overcome that EGTYPTIAN song!! Things ain’t that bad as it seems.

Haha, shall blog soon~

It's how you see it..

It’s been long since I updated…

Hmmm let’s see. . .I went to church today!! The ‘lost’ feeling is gone, I feel redirected. There is also lots of hindrances that keeps me away from God. 

Dear Lord Jesus,

I know that I have gone out of track, thank you for bringing me back on track. I am sorry for my sins and I repent; giving my life back to you again. Set my heart on fire for you. Refine me; mould me; take me and use me as an instrument to reach out to those that are still lost. In Jesus name, AMEN!

We all get lost at certain times of our lives, but always remember that God is always there for you. Yes, challenges may sometimes seem too hard to overcome; but with God nothing is impossible!  One word that always encourages me is the word ‘testimony’. You can never  spell this word without T-E-S-T so don’t lose faith!

Woohoo, school wasn’t really bad this week but on the note that I was sick the whole week really sucked much. Even right now I am still coughing (don’t know whether the medicine got use a not). But anyways, I shall drink more water!!! I appreciated all those who actually SMSed me to show their concern, didn’t expect so many people to texted.

Well, this week’s class was rather quiet, maybe because DAVE wasn’t around?  But I don’t think that’s the point. I realized I get really worked up when people do not agree with me or try to argue back, is ‘this’ a good thing? Well, I shouted at Arthur for the fun of it, hope it didn’t traumatized anyone in class. Other than that I managed to get good daily grades. So I am a HappyBoy1994. But tomorrow got UT2- Sian. . .so much for youth day..

I shall go and study for UT now.. *Heaving a sigh*

Maybe it is just me...

It's been awhile since school had started..and a lot of things have been happening in my life knowingly and unknowingly. Haha, I sounded like someone that is lost and confused? To be honest I am.

I am lost because I don't know what to do. Everyone comes to a point in life that they have to make a choose and give up other things. For me I try to compromise everything so I don't have to give up...apparently it is physically, emotionally and spiritually demanding! Looking the way I am heading, I think I am already going to died soon spiritually* Physically; I am super tired..* Emotionally; don't look about it* But what's really amazing is that after choosing, be it whether it is for the better for for the worst, I felt better...maybe because there is no longer this burden? I also don't no.

Well, enough of being so down.. :)

Hmmm, school have been really fun for me..I am coping fine; better than expected. Haha, but unfortunately, my UT1 for Science I got a C+ (all thanks to physic) Anyways, the new groups I am working with is awesome! Although we have different backgrounds and abilities, we are still able to work together! What truely amazed me is how much others cherish friendship. For my class although we have been together got only like 7 weeks? We are cliqued already* And thanks to them, I am playing L4D (a game which I would never touch in the past)...guess people change too over time.

HAHA! For GenRE!! For GenRE, we have been playing the same annoying twinkle twinkle star song. I am kind of bored of playing it, but when we come together and play with other people, the feeling and satisfaction , no words can describe :)) I didn't regret choosing GenRE over a sport SLA which I needed considering the fact I have meet so many awesome friends! My fingers are also more nimble now :)) Happy!

Haha, I shall side track a bit..I don't know why my stomach have been weird these days. Just recently, there is this pain (don't know if it is gastric) but it is quite annoying and unbearable. I hope it is not serious...anyways, if this goes on and if the pain don't stop, I will go see doctor (HAHA, excuse for not working!) And I think there is tape worm in my stomach~~ I am like forever hungry .___. I shall find a way to exterminate them once and for all even if it means to drink that black herbal soup thingy :(( 

I shall blogg again soon...

Oh I change the design into something more simple and...I like it~ *thumbs up* :)))

A nice song....

Haha, this song is nice..it is by Jay Chou. Well, only those who have been through it know what this song means, enjoy!! :)

SENIORS!! :)

ME!! :)

Shuai Boy Erick! :)

JuniorBoys!! :)

Dear Sharon :)

Team2~~

:)

AUNTIE CLUB! :)

HAZ!! JOKER :))

GenREans! :)))))

Team Cui~~ (3)

XinMing!! :))

Worms! :)

Another cool guy Darren! :))

Haha, this is almost all of whats happening in the camp...I really had a lot of fun..listening to laughters...it really cheers me up..I saw this quote 'When Life gives you hundred reasons to cry, show life that there is a thousand more worth reasons to smile'..This would definitely be one of my reasons to smiles :))) GenRe! :)